Eye Contact with Crazy

I was waiting for the bus on the way home from school one day, and a woman--obviously off her rocker--walked in my general direction. I knew I shouldn't have looked her in the eye, but I went against my better judgment and did it anyway. I don't remember what my facial expression was exactly, but it must have worried her because the next thing I knew, her palms were on my forehead as she feverishly prayed to God to rebuke the Devil from me.

I was only a teenager at the time and was quite passive, so I kind of just stood there and took it, hoping the bus would hurry up and whisk me away from the line of sight of anyone who'd witnessed the incident. From then on, I made a vow never again to make eye contact with crazy because you just never know what kind of predicament you might land in as a result.

I've since extended this philosophy to other areas in my life, particularly when it comes to my professional development, and leadership has always topped that list of activities to avoid. Leadership is its own brand of crazy, placing the brave and willing in contact with some of the most extreme personalities known to man. A team leader trying to bring their project to fruition has to grapple with their team members' laziness, insecurities, testiness, and other B.S. In short, taking on leadership is a messy proposition. But so is dealing with the aftermath of someone else's slipshod leadership. Unfortunately, I've developed an interest in getting in on the decision-making process to right the many, many wrongs I've witnessed from other people's lapses in leadership.

In spite of my misgivings about leadership, I've somehow managed to stumble across a few leadership opportunities--which basically means I reluctantly agreed to take them on after lots of arm-twisting. To my surprise, those opportunities have largely been rewarding. There's no feeling like knowing of an unmet need and realizing you're in the position to meet it. I've felt so frustrated at not having the power to change things for the better and I know the only way to do anything about it is to lead in the effort.

Part of what has held me back from actively taking on leadership roles was that aforementioned passive disposition that let a complete stranger exorcize alleged demons from my forehead uninterrupted. I've since grown out of that passivity and have become quite vocal about my convictions. (Ahem. Hence the blog.) :)

Another thing that has held me back was self-doubt, believing I was too inadequate or incompetent to lead. But I've come to realize that a lot of leaders have MANY moments of inadequacy and incompetence. While not necessarily a detriment, it can be problematic if leaders don't realize or acknowledge their shortcomings or have any inclination to improve themselves. I know enough to know that a good leader should be aware not only of her strengths, but her weaknesses. I'm VERY aware of my weaknesses, so I just need some additional leadership experiences to turn those weaknesses into strengths.

A third reason for my hesitance to lead was my self-consciousness and my proclivity to feeling guilt at any perceived special treatment on my behalf. I've already had to prove (repeatedly) that I'm more than an affirmative action quota or a mere benefactor of someone else's favoritism. Yet the perception of my under-qualification still persists--at least, that's has been my hunch of late. I've let this self-consciousness get the better of me so much so that I passed up the opportunity to serve in a supervisory capacity. While I don't regret forfeiting the specific set of responsibilities of that position, I do regret letting the mere potential of someone's negative reaction prevent me from spreading my wings.

Well not anymore. I've already experienced the fulfillment of making positive changes and I can no longer let my insecurities and those of others hold me back. I'm even finding inspiration in some of the least likely places---whipping my hair while singing, "Don't let haters keep off my grind. Keep my head up I know I'll be fine. Keep fighting until I get there. When I'm down and I feel like giving up, I'll think again." Out of the mouth of babes and undeniably trite, yet truer words have never resonated so strongly with me. So, like Fantasia and I'm gonna start doin' me and letting people think what they want to think. (Love that song BTW.)

Not that the road ahead will be a cakewalk. There's a lot of work to do with little reward and few people willing to pitch in on the nitty gritty stuff. But if I'm to gain future opportunities to effect even greater change, I have to be willing to put in the elbow grease right now. Sure there will be moments when my inner E-40 compels me to snap at them, growling "money costs too much and I ain't got a dime; you need to pay me, or pay me no never mind. Trick!" But I'm sure my altruistic nature will overpower and suppress such undesirable outbursts. It will all work out fine (I hope).

So as I sit at the start of a new year and ponder the responsibilities I'll soon be taking on--roles like "Training Coordinator" and "Mentoring Committee Chair"--I look forward to the challenges that lie ahead and the opportunities to make a lasting change that will hopefully take my organization to the next level. And with this newfound willingness to look crazy in the eye--in the figurative sense at least--perhaps my inner demons of self-consciousness and self-doubt will eventually be exorcized once and for all.

Happy New Year and best wishes to anyone aiming to make their own "eye contact with crazy" in their neck of the woods!